When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize