An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
