Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
