it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
