I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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