Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
