my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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