i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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