my phone needs a breathalizer
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
