tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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