you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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