toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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