I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
