So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i now understand why vodka
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
