remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
