PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
