please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
