Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
