I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
