yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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