i think i have herpe
just one?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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