I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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