Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You pole danced in your parka.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
