i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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