She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
