Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Sacagawea was the original milf.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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