Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
