Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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