you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
