I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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