My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize