woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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