I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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