any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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