i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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