I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Randomize
