Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
