Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
