captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
