Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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