Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
