Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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