you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
