fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am available for nakedness
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
