I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
