His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He uses pillows to masturbate.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need a beard to bite.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
