Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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