onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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