I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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