i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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