He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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