Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
