So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
