I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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