I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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