It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
