Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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