i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
