trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
