I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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