I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
